Run along. Nothing to see here. This blog isn’t for you.
Today is my best friends birthday.
Lynn and I just sung Happy Birthday into a voicemail that we don’t know when or if they will ever hear.
It’s been the most difficult year of my life, but it absolutely pales in comparison for what they and their family are facing. A select few that know me understand what I am talking about. Most just see or sense me acting differently these past months and that’s all it is allowed to be. While I am coming to terms with the fact that there is no door to kick in…. no fight in which to get my ass kicked….I’m still longing for that door…that adversary. Any day…any time…any place.
I have a secret, but I barely even know what it is. I can’t tell people what is bothering me. It’s awful and I miss this person terribly. I retired early to lower my stress, eat more healthy and enjoy life. Then this fucking happened. Nightmares, Inability to sleep, Depression, Septic Shock…now a pandemic, riots, looting and complete political polarization of the country. I thought Lions and Tigers And Bears were OH MY.
I’ve got plenty of interesting tales of life as a road warrior turned traveling nomad, but they are utterly unimportant at this point. Technology keeps me close with this person, but something more powerful and menacing keeps us apart.
Depression and PTSD were just words. I’ve gained immense empathy for what people are quietly going through.
I know this is no birthday present for you and I certainly know that you wish I didn’t write it.
I’ve more or less bitten my tongue for 283 days.
At work, my Circle Of Influence was filled with actionable items. Now it’s just a mostly empty circle filled with “support for my friend” and “self-care”. I’d rather find that fucking door.
I understand the Prime Directive and I am trying so hard.
If James T beat the Kobayashi Maru, so can you.
I’d rather feel pain than feel nothing at all.
As Popeye said, “I am what I am and that’s all that I am.” So, please forgive me for this shitty B-Day message.
I miss you so terribly much.
No Lynn’s 2 cents. She would have tried hard to talk me out of this. That’s why she’s outside.
As you eat your awful breakfast and drink that shitty coffee, know that Lynn and I love you so much.
(Comments intentionally turned off)